I am talking about Christmas, New Year and the summer holidays.

  It makes sense for people to take their holidays in the height of the summer. Christmas and New Year are in the height of summer. Ergo, people take their holidays at Christmas.

  One of the side benefits of this is that for a person who is entitled to three weeks holiday they can have a most amazingly long holiday.

  They stop work on the 24th of December.

  When you count in the weekends and public holidays, the three weeks ( being 15 week days) means they go back to work on the 21st of January.

  They have achieved nearly a month off work!

  Traditionally, a lot of companies used this time to do maintenance on their plant and machinery. But gradually, people began to see that shutting the whole country down for a month was a bit irresponsible in this modern age. However, try as they might, they still can't avoid the fact that because people will not stagger their holidays, the country is going to be closed for at least two weeks and maybe three.

  I decided this year that I would be old-fashioned and make good use of the shut-down.

  I would get our computers upgraded and load a database system to take us forward towards the year 2000.

  Little did I know, what was in store.

  There are literally thousands of database programmes around. Some of them do this, some of them do that. None of them seemed to do everything I wanted until I finally found one that is absolutely superb. The only thing is, it has to run under windows 95.

  No problem, I thought, we'll go Windows 95. Nothing like being modern.

  Hey, and we'll upgrade the old computer by adding another 16 mbs of ram and 800 mb hard drive.

  The Consultant arrived and checked over the machines." No problem," he said, we'll have that installed in no time and running, as sweet as....."

  He started work. 45 minutes later we found that the old machine couldn't handle the new hard drive and kept looking for the old one.

  Oh, and nothing could be accessed on the old one.

  "Slight problem, " I said.

  He fiddled around and made a few lights flash and things buzz.

  "Sweet as........" He said (His favourite phrase, I was later to find out)

  I opened Word 6 and then alt tabbed to get to a programme manager to find a file. The computer opened three other programmes, shut down Word 6 and asked whether I wanted the hard drive sunny side up or over easy.

  "Weensy problem here," I said.

  "It shouldn't do that," he said. "Never seen that before, what did you do to cause that?"

  I repeated my simple manoeuvre.

  This time it asked me to type my name in three times and wanted to know if I took milk and sugar or could it leave the sugar in the new drive.

  Whoa," he said. "It shouldn't do that. Never seen that before."

  6 Hours later, I told him to take out the new drive, restore the old and just get it working......we needed to work.

  Use the other computer? Well no.......

  When it said "going to run windows 95 for the first time, it must have gotten over- excited.

  It passed out and just sat there panting and sighing in that way computers do when they are quietly reducing themselves to a meaningless scramble of noughts and ones and can't remember which is which.

  He'd never seen that before either.......shouldn't happen.

  All the partition files were destroyed, all data lost, all programs lost. The computer wouldn't work.

  The next day he reloaded and tried again.

  "Here we go, sweet as......"

  Oooops!

  He hadn't seen that before either.

  Hard drive had failed. "Must have been on the blink and ready to go." he said

  The next day he installed a new one. Re-loaded 95 and away it went.

  Sweet as..................

  I reloaded word 6 and tried to run it .

 It said General Error was reading the hard drive. The Consultant turned the computer off and turned it on again. It wouldn't boot up.

  "Shouldn't do that," he said. It must be the I/o card".

  "Never seen that before."

  That afternoon he put in a new i/o card

  Great.

  He re-loads 95.

  "There you are!" he said triumphantly, "all running again, sweet as....."

  I spent a day reloading all the programmes and then restoring the data files from the back-up disks.

  Next morning it wouldn't boot up.

  I rang him and suggested that holiday or not he better get it fixed.

  He came in and took a look at it.

  Hadn't seen that before............shouldn't happen.

  "Its the power pack," he said.

  " I tested the hard drive in the workshop yesterday ...sweet as......"

  New power pack

  Oh, accidentally wiped all the information when he reloaded 95 on the hard drive after testing it.

  We got it running.

  Except that three of the programmes we use the most, for specialist reports, appear to be incompatible with 95.

  " Don't worry," he said," it's all progress. "They'll be a better version of them somewhere."

  I came into the office the day after New Year.

  Dead.

  Wouldn't boot up.

  Called him back from his holiday again and said " Never seen this before......Fix It!"

  "Got it! It's the motherboard. "

  Another day done while he gets a new one and loads everything in. "There...............sweet as........"

  To get the thing running you now, have to turn it on and wait while it drops out and the screen goes blank. You leave it on for an hour and then just keep re-booting until it starts up.

  Oh and the data base isn't working. Apparently he loaded it wrong and left some drivers out because he thought we already had them.

  (No, no, I assure you, this guy is highly regarded. Top in his field. )

  I estimate that for two thousand dollars of software (which doesn't work) we have lost around $15,000 in down time and lost business.

  I decided to wander over to their premises and tell them what would be an acceptable solution to me, including an alternative which will see them substantially transformed in a physical sense (assuming they survive)

  I'll give him sweet as........

  So, the Boss is still away on holiday and the technicians are not allowed to discuss customer complaints. They can only offer to fix them. (No responsibility accepted of course)

  I always find it very frustrating to have planned something and gone to a lot of trouble to get everything organised and then find something has wrecked the plan. And what's worse is when I was planning to be fully occupied on the project and so I now have nothing else to do. This usually sends me into an absolute rage, which I try my best to hide or subdue. Usually I turn to books for inspiration, affirmation and solace.

  I always find Shakespeare very encouraging. He had such a brilliant way of putting things. Of reducing a great raging shout into such simple words that you immediately feel not only well-expressed, but vindicated and approved of.

  I enjoy Shakespeare. I think he saw the world very clearly. I think he was probably one of the first and best anthropologists/behavioural psychologists that existed. He sees people and their faults, fears and foibles so calmly, so clearly and without judgement.

  In those days they seemed to have some amazing turns of phrase, insults and "curses".

  They were so stunning, so graphic, so to the point and unerringly simple that there could be no misunderstanding what the speaker meant.

  Shakespeare's characters could tell someone to do unspeakable things to themselves in such a way that it sounded extremely polite and possible and a few moments of reflection on what he had actually said makes you realise just how blunt and rude he had actually been. It was once said that he was the only writer who ever lived who could tell some-one to go to hell in a way that seemed extremely helpful and as if he wanted them to enjoy the journey.

  I love the that goes........., "A pox on you, Sir. And on your house!!!!"

  Pox being a viral disease which in those days either killed or badly deformed or scarred ( as well as scared) the recipient. (see small Pox etc)

  Or where some-one thinks he has been conned or stolen from by two people....

  A pox on both your Houses!!!!!!

  (House meaning, Household and the people in it .)

  I love his way with words and often in my spare time I recite his speeches and incantations to myself, playing the parts of all or anyone in any of his plays. (And, doing them My way)

  I used to think my favourite was Hamlet. But then it was Othello. After that, King Lear, The Scottish Play, etc etc But then there were the others and I realised the other day that I like them all. For different reasons of course.

  I remember I was in the school drama group and acted in plays and such-like. We had this teacher come to our school from England. He was a world specialist in producing and directing Shakespeare. He showed us how you could take the same lines or scene from a Shakesperean play and speak it in five different ways to give five totally different renditions, meaning, or allusions.

  Take Othello.

  You may recall he was the insanely jealous fellow who thought his wife might be unfaithful. She wasn't. But she has a handkerchief given to her by a gipsy who says as long as she has it , She and Othello will be together. A villain steals the handkerchief and places it where it will implicate her in adultery. Othello's adviser sees it and knows it to be a set-up.

  Othello asks him if he has ever seen the handkerchief in such and such a place.

  The adviser says (paraphrased)

  Should I be wise or should I be honest?

  I should be wise .

  for honesty's a fool

  that goes against that which it seeks to achieve.

  How very wise!

  It can of course be spoken caringly, reflectively, philosophically, quizzically, or...... deviously!!!!!!

  I have always thought that people didn't understand the main soliloquy in Hamlet. I thought they made it over-loud and outspoke, where the truth of it was, that Hamlet was a person in deep grief, young and uneducated in the ways of the world and probably an introvert as well.

  Our school production that year was to be Hamlet

  Oh, and I wanted the lead role.

  I felt it.

  I could say it and mean it

  I could do the graveyard scene like nothing you could imagine.

  Laughing and joking, switching to pathos and grief as required.

   A common man one minute , a prince the next.

  Being an extra in a crowd scene at our school play was good.

  Being a character, better.

  Boy, I wanted that part!!!!!!!

  You see, I thought Hamlet was different to what people usually played.

  He is often played as a dim indecisive, muddler. Unaware of his responsibilities. Unable to take command. Ruining his entire life and all that.

  Try this,

  You're eighteen years old. Your Father is the King. There is this really nice girl that you like a lot but for all that, you have been told to court her.

  And then your Dad dies.

  Suddenly.!!

  And then you discover your Uncle who is pretending to be all mournful with you and offer commiserations actually did the deed and murdered him.

  And you run to your mother to tell her and warn her and you find she is in bed with your uncle, laughing about how well it worked and how they will be King and Queen from now on.

  How do you think the guy is going to act???

  His other source of comfort is his girl-friend.

  But he is only 18.

  He is not wise in the way of these things.

  He has been told to love her (even though he does) so can he trust her.

  Is she one of them.

  Are all women like his mother?

  What on earth can he do or say?

  And later he does his great soliloquy. The one most people shout and rage about.

  (Soliloquy:...monologue,...a speech to one's-self...to say aside, think aloud etc)

  The teacher-in-charge decided that we should get the visiting expert to do the casting.

  Seven people put their names forward for the role of Hamlet, including me and a girl in the lower class who had this driving ambition to show that she could be a better woman than anyone by being a man.

  She missed out!

  We were tested on two set pieces. The graveyard scene and the soliloquy.

  Alas poor Yorrick, tadatada,

  I have had many a jar of rennick poured on my head,,,,tadatadatada

  But I went;

  (indrawn sob)

  Alas!!!!

  gulp

  Poor Yorrick!!!!!!!

  Ooooohhhhhh(drawn out gasp of grief and despair, loss of the past.)

  Many is the jar of rennick................

  ...... poured on my head................................

  And then the soliloquy.

  TO BE; !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  OR NOT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  TO BE !!!!!!!!!!

  THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  IS THE QUESTION!!!!!!!!!!!

I went,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

To be...........??????????????????????

Hhhhmmmmmm sigh,,,,,,

Or,,,,,,,?????????

Not!.........

To .....???????

BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That,

is the question.

staggers stage left, overcome.

straightens.

Looks straight centre stage and peers sightlessly into the distance

(sobs)

To suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

and by opposing ???????? raises hands skywards and shrugs.............etc etc etc

I got the part

"Original"

he called it.

It was so great!!! standing there, "musing", thinking to myself those brilliant lines written so long ago and finding them so current and meaningful even then ( 1966 )

I went to the computer shop today to try and sort out the problems we have been having and get somewhere back to normal (If possible).

The manager was there today.( And just as well.)

"Here's the situation, "I said.

"Three days before Christmas , I had two good computers both operating perfectly.

Your man upgraded one and loaded windows 95 on the other.

The one he upgraded he had to downgrade back again because there were some teesny weensy problems. It now sounds like a rotary mower being driven through gravel.

The other one doesn't work. The lights flicker but there's definitely no-one home. After it has sat whining and moaning for ten minutes I turn it off."

What I think you should do is put back into my computer all the bits that were in it in the first place and remove all your stuff. And then remove the software and then we can go away and pretend we never met!!!"

"How about that?" I asked.

He was most commiserating.

"I see your point," he said. I mean under the circumstances we won't charge you for all the time.....it just gets silly"

"Boy !!!!!"

"I'll tell you what we'll do", he said.

"I'll get Chad, our technician, to come over to your office and check everything and if he can't get it working within half-an-hour, we'll remove all the stuff, go back to where we were and no charge."

I was slightly mollified.

And what about " sweet as..................", I asked,

What's he doing?

"Oh dear.!

No,

He's at home.

Can't come in.

Him and his wife and kids have all gone down with chicken-pox !"

Indeed!!!!!

ooooooooooo00000000000oooooooooooooo

Copyright 1997